entry 3
my self identity is less strong than it was maybe 2 years ago. i like making art and paintings but i feel less purpose through it than i did at one point. it feels like i don't believe in myself as much as i once did and that's a shitty feeling. its hard to create without expectations and ive wanted to do something that was more aligned with technical things and less about my own opinions about how something should be done… i like the feeling of having a project to work on all day and wanting it to progress to be enough motivation to continue doing it.. with something like making music i am constantly in my head asking questions like do i like this or is this expressing how i feel. music will always feel more about the idea behind doing something and the execution of it is actually non-thinking, or feeling like something has taken over you and you just do it. and when that starts to happen less, i can start to think too much about why i am doing this all in the first place. it can feel weird to sit on the computer all day and try to make something when the process of it can become so disassociative and third person, like you are watching yourself create rather than actually doing it. at the end of the day making something you want to be proud of to prove that you don't hate yourself may not be attacking the issue at it's root cause. it won't always feel productive to ask yourself questions and you are supposed to just do things without thought but sometimes they will get in the way and you have to sit with that and see how you are changing